Humour

These are really funny – they are all real comments recorded by sports journalists.

“This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria… I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing.” (Pat Glenn – Weightlifting commentator)

“This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.” (Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator)

“The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense.” (Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” (Winston Bennett)

“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.” (Murray Walker)

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” (Greg Norman)

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious.” (Alan Minter)

“The race course is as level as a billiard ball.” (John Francombe)

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” (Terry Venables)

“I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better.” (Ron Atkinson)

“He dribbles a lot and the opposition don’t like it – you can see it all over their faces.”  (Ron Atkinson)

“Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.” (Harry Carpenter – BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

“Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.” (David Coleman)

“Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.” (Metro Radio)

“Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.”(Ron Atkinson)

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.” (David Acfield)

“What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?” (Stuart Hall – BBC Radio 5 Alive)

“There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.” (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

“One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… oh my God, what have I just said?” (US TV commentator)

“A lot of actresses have complained that as they get older the parts dry up.” JIMMY YOUNG, Radio 2

“…it seems the welfare of animals has been put on the back-burner.” Welsh RSPCA Office, Radio 5 Live

“This circuit has everything. It’s got gradients — both uphill and downhill.” MURRAY WALKER, ITV

“That’s his strength — he invariably misses anything easy.” JOHN VIRGO, BBC2

Topic:  Really funny

Comments like these are known to readers of “Private Eye”, (the satirical UK magazine), as “ColemanBalls”, after David Coleman.

“The Black players are more sucessful in athletics, because the slavemasters bred them to be bigger and stronger” (sic) Jimmy the Greek, a once famous football sportscaster in the US.

Also the famous Howard Cosel said in a Monday Night Football game once “Look at that little monkey run” (sic) when speaking of a black player.

“Blacks just dont have the intelligence to work in the front office”, Los Angeles Dodger excecutive Roy Campenella

“Women cannot swing the golf club well because their breasts get in the way” and “Lesbianism is killing the LPGA tour”. A CBS ladies golf announcer in a speech.

” It looks like he’s going to go for the blue, and for those of you watching in black and white, the blue ball is the one just behind the yellow”

“I never comment on referees and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.” (Ron Atkinson)

“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.” (Mark Draper — Aston Villa)

“…and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion.” (John Arlott)

Lawyer: “Did he pick the dog up by the ears?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “What was he doing with the dog’s ears?”

Witness: “Picking them up in the air.”

Lawyer: “Where was the dog at this time?”

Witness: “Attached to the ears.”

Lawyer: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”

Witness: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”

Lawyer: “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”

Witness: “I only have one, you know.”

Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”

Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”

Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”

Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

Lawyer: “What happened then?”

Witness: “He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'”

Lawyer: “Did he kill you?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “How many times have you committed suicide?”

Witness: “Four times.”

Lawyer: “I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.”

Witness: “That’s me.”

Lawyer: “Were you present when that picture was taken?”

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